As a psychologist and counselor practicing in the Woodstock-Cary-Algonquin-Crystal Lake and Lake in the Hills areas of Illinois, I find that there are 21 essentials you can expect when receiving counseling for problems in your blended family.

But first, what are the signs of blended family problems?

1.Conflicting parenting practices between biological and stepparents

2.Child rejects the stepparents disciplinary practices

3.Biological parent foments dislike for stepparent

4.Biological and stepparent compete for power and control

5. Conflict develops among the children in the blended family

6. Ex-spouse interferes with the blended familys lifestyle

7. Childs behavior problems become personalized by the adults, causing fracture within the family system

If this sounds like your family, you should seek counseling. But when you begin treatment, what will your counselor do? How does marriage and family counseling for blended families work?

1.Your therapist will help you to identify the positives and negatives of the stepparents disciplinary procedures..

2.You counselor will create a neutral zone so family members can express themselves without fear of retaliation.

3.Your therapist may train you in certain communication skills to build the relationship between relevant spouses.

4.The marriage or family counselor will likely facilitate a healthy dialogue among disgruntled children and any step or adoptive parent.

5.Your family or marital counselor will likely help the children explore any feelings of conflict or disloyalty regarding biological parents.

6.Your psychologist or counselor will probably facilitate a healthy release of any of the childrens fear of abandonment or displaced anger that may be inhibiting acceptance of their stepparents directives.

7.Parents will be helped to identify and resolve conflicts between themselves in parenting strategies.

8.The stepparents disciplinary strictness or rigidity will be assessed as to whether it may be creating resistance on the part of the child.

9.Your therapist may assess the degree to which an ex-spouse may be unfairly blamed for parenting problems existing within the blended family.

10.The counselor will help the parents identify and resolve any insecurity or jealousy regarding warmth displayed between a parent and stepchild.

11.Your psychologist may invite a former spouse or biological parent into a joint session with other biological or stepparents in order to discuss and resolve differences in parenting philosophies and techniques.

12.You may be asked to consider any potential manipulation of the child in playing one parent against the other for territorial or power advantages.

13.The children will likely be reassured that they are not responsible for their parents conflicts and that these conflicts do not reflect adversely on their parents love for them.

14.The children may be asked to express directly or through a letter the foundation of their feelings for being treated unfairly by a stepparent.

15.You may be encouraged to negotiate with the children as to actions that they may perceive as fairer to them.

16.Your therapist may suggest a list of special activities that the parent and stepchildren can do to reduce any feelings of alienation.

17.Parents may be encouraged to behave assertively toward children from whom they are afraid of receiving a negative response.

18.The therapist may help you to identify self-defeating patterns relevant to your parenting skills that may exist in your blended family and suggest ways of modifying them.

19.The therapist may prescribe psychological testing for some members of the family, children or parents, to expose any factors that may be neglected in isolating the causes of the family strife.

20.You will be helped to identify sources of ongoing support and reassurance to effectively improve and hone your parenting skills.

21.If you are engaging in any unusual parenting strategies, their methods and effects will be reviewed to be sure that they are contributing efficiently to the well-being of the family.

You probably already know how important it is to eat a well-balanced diet, but it is even more important when you are pregnant. Keep in mind now you are eating for two. Whatever you eat, the baby eats as well. In fact the baby actually takes your nourishment so you must eat enough for both of you. The healthier you eat the better it is for the baby during pregnancy and you.

Never miss a meal while you are pregnant, especially breakfast. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and your baby has probably been waiting since he/she woke up in the middle of the night. You may learn that if you wait so long before eating you start to feel sick, this is your body telling you to eat. Do it!

Make sure you are getting enough of the food you need daily. It takes 4-6 servings of dairy produce a day for a healthy baby pregnancy, this can include some cheeses, milk, yogurt. This provides the baby with calcium which it’ll need to develop healthy growing bones. Adding extra calcium to your diet wouldn’t hurt you either, especially your teeth and bones.

Don’t forget about your fruit and vegetable servings. Lots of green is always a good choice, so are sweet potatoes. Not only will you be giving your body what it needs but you’ll start to have more energy. Try laying off the sweets for a week and replace them with healthier items and see how alive you feel.

Foods to Avoid

Not all foods are safe during your pregnancy, there are a few things you should avoid eating:

- Raw eggs

- Caffeine- soda, chocolate. If you find this difficult you can wean yourself off, but the less caffeine in your system the better it is for the baby.

- Certain fish- exotic, shark, swordfish, anything potentially high in mercury

- unpasteurized products- brie and other soft cheeses if unpasteurized.

- Undercooked meats- lunch meats. If you are buying a deli sandwich you can ask for them to heat the meat up a little.

If you are ever unsure of the foods you can eat, you can ask your doctor for a list of items to avoid during pregnancy. They’ll be more than happy to share this with you.

You may also learn that your stomach won’t handle certain foods that it would before. Some of those foods may include foods that contain grease, fast foods, meat, and certain foods that have a strong odor.

Eating healthy doesn’t mean you have to cut out all the fun in your life, you can still treat yourself from time to time. Go out and get a frozen yogurt or a smoothie.

While you are making sure you get enough to eat throughout the day, that doesn’t mean neglecting your fluid intake. You’ll need lots of water and juices from here on out. The baby will thank you later. Who knows, you may discover that you really enjoy eating healthier meals and continue it even after the pregnancy.

Read my article about children games.

Stress Causes Gain?

What is your automatic Association and reaction when you read – “No-Pain”?

Right, “No-Gain!” We are not talking about pumping-iron, yet it applies to

cognitive learning. Most of us invent reasons not to do the repetitious practice,

(home work) it takes to create personal Mastery of new skills

The first step in the cure of excuse making is Awareness. Why?

Homo sapiens like you and me live in a perpetual state of denial

about potential failure and rejection. We know what is required, but refuse to do it.

We know practice, drill, and rehearsal are necessity to ace new skills and knowledge. Don’t we all make a ton of excuses to avoid the routine and tedious scut work of repetition and self-testing? Me too.

Did you know each memory recall (practice) strengthens the Synaptic connections

(links) in your brain? They lead to a new neural network for long-term memory of your new skills and knowledge. Repetition really is the Mother of learning.

New Research

The result of stress in new learning produces Happiness and Satisfaction. Can you hear the phrase – no pain, no gain coming? Professor Ryan Howell at San Francisco

State University, headed the research on enduring temporary stress to gain long-term Mastery (expertise) of skills and information.

He found that it is the rule and not the exception to terminate, cease-and-desist

the work required to lock-in new knowledge.

To overcome the stress and desire to quit because it is h-a-r-d and annoying,

we must make a conscious decision (choose) to accept the pain to obtain the cognitive gain.

What is the opposite of freely choosing (volition)? You must, have, and ought to

do the required repetition and practice. The result is personal autonomy (self-direction) together with Happiness and Satisfaction.

Avoiding Stress in Learning

Team learning and the Buddy System make learning a social event and takes the

bite out of the repetitious element. Dr. Howell names three areas of personal growth: Autonomy (we choose), New Competence – Mastery, and Connectedness

to Others (society).

Teams of 2-3 for students or executives make a game of learning. There is a

sense of competition that goads us to success, and a need to impress others, or

at least not embarrass ourselves by looking stupid and lazy.

a)      It is only human to desire Cognitive Mastery in this Knowledge Economy.

b)      Further it is natural to want Autonomy (self-control) in our lives.

c)      Teamwork is an evolutionarily hardwired and satisfying experience.

All of the aforementioned leads us to Purpose and Meaning in our lives. If you

want more happiness and pleasure in your life, we must choose to endure temporary

stress. Remember the pumping iron expression – No Pain, No Gain.

Google: Journal of Happiness Studies 10.30.09, Ryan Howell.

Synonyms For Making An Excuse

Define: reason, explain < L to put outside defense mechanism alibi cop-out cover-up justification rationalization stall subterfuge disguise

10.  pretext

11.  vindicate

12.  whitewash

13.  indulgence

14.  mea culpa

15.  evasion

16.  condone

17.  exonerate

Endwords

It is not a crime to want to avoid the hard work of learning a new skill or master

new knowledge. The sin in the Knowledge Economy is making excuses to avoid

personal growth and improved productivity. Implement the feedback loop of

learning, and you improve the structure and function of your entire brain.

The next promotion in our economy often goes to the cognitively fittest. Choose to

to do what your peers ignore, and you have a competitive advantage.

Would you have a competitive advantage over your peers by having the skill to read

and remember three (3) books, articles and reports in the time others can hardly

finish one? Call us to start now.

“Truth is ever to be found in the simplicity, not in the multiplicity and confusion

of things.” Isaac Newton.

See ya,

copyright © 2009 H. Bernard Wechsler

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